Huddersfield Chronicle (17/Oct/1893) - The Simon Pure
The subject of the verse appears to be Alderman Joseph Woodhead, editor of the Huddersfield Examiner.
The following is a transcription of a historic newspaper article and may contain occasional errors. If the article was published prior to 1 June 1957, then the text is likely in the Public Domain.
THE SIMON PURE.
- I am the only Simon Pure,
- I am above all error,
- In future I intend to be
- To limping speech a terror;
- I am above correction too,
- I am a self-made wonder,
- So from this time my rag shall print
- Opponents’ slightest blunder.
- My “intellectual” scribblers shall
- Dispense with punctuation.
- They shall report just what is said,
- I'll not have condensation;
- My comma case, my full-point box,
- I’ll fill with my spare paste.
- Speeches shall have no breathing space,
- Pointing is so much waste.
- Indeed I am a Perfect Cure,
- I'll get a phonograph,
- Which will record each word, each sound,
- Each sneeze, each cough, each laugh;
- I'll even make it do much more,
- It shall each thought report,
- When enemies are stung by me,
- And wish to give retort.
- Of course with my intelligence,
- And my almighty Party,
- My sweet O'Brien, Davitt, Dilke,
- Poet Sullivan, Macarty,
- I can do wonders; keep those straight
- Who never cared for school,
- I will prepare their speeches on
- The Lindley Murray rule.
- But as for Tories my machine
- Shall catch their every word.
- I'll give my “flunkies” certain tip
- To make them look absurd;
- I'll ne’er forget, I'll ne'er forgive,
- The man who foiled my scheme,
- Who sent me back to Longdenholme,
- To fret, to fume, to scream.