Huddersfield Chronicle (17/Oct/1893) - The Simon Pure

The subject of the verse appears to be Alderman Joseph Woodhead, editor of the Huddersfield Examiner.

The following is a transcription of a historic newspaper article and may contain occasional errors. If the article was published prior to 1 June 1957, then the text is likely in the Public Domain.


I am the only Simon Pure,
I am above all error,
In future I intend to be
To limping speech a terror;
I am above correction too,
I am a self-made wonder,
So from this time my rag shall print
Opponents’ slightest blunder.
My “intellectual” scribblers shall
Dispense with punctuation.
They shall report just what is said,
I'll not have condensation;
My comma case, my full-point box,
I’ll fill with my spare paste.
Speeches shall have no breathing space,
Pointing is so much waste.
Indeed I am a Perfect Cure,
I'll get a phonograph,
Which will record each word, each sound,
Each sneeze, each cough, each laugh;
I'll even make it do much more,
It shall each thought report,
When enemies are stung by me,
And wish to give retort.
Of course with my intelligence,
And my almighty Party,
My sweet O'Brien, Davitt, Dilke,
Poet Sullivan, Macarty,
I can do wonders; keep those straight
Who never cared for school,
I will prepare their speeches on
The Lindley Murray rule.
But as for Tories my machine
Shall catch their every word.
I'll give my “flunkies” certain tip
To make them look absurd;
I'll ne’er forget, I'll ne'er forgive,
The man who foiled my scheme,
Who sent me back to Longdenholme,
To fret, to fume, to scream.